Gosh…my head is about to explode.

It’s time! Time to come clean and answer for my many and varied crimes! You must understand, I’m so reclusive. I have a real medical condition, or at least I would if I could muster up the will to leave the house and go to one of my doctor’s appointments. I needed a job where I could work from home, from the safety and anonymity of the internet. I have been so many people, worn so many faces, but…no more. The lies end here.

For the last few years, I have written false reviews for party locations. Just name a single function venue in Melbourne somewhere, and I will have said that I’ve been there. Reviews, blog posts, random comments, absolutely anything. Some good some bad, and some indifferent. The truth is that I’ve never been to a single one of them; I rarely even leave the house. I’ve been employed by a shady organisation that wants to control the Melbourne party scene, from the drinks consumed to the places they visit. I think they might be a party-planning company, but…on a global scale. I don’t know, but I just want to apologise to all the function rooms and party venues who received comments from me, good or bad, and scratched their heads in confusion because they don’t remember someone like me booking.

It’s my fondest wish to now overcome my infirmity, go out into the world and experience all of these places I have so falsely written about, so that I may begin to repair some of the damage. Melbourne is the party capital of the world, after all. That’s what my shady employers have told me, and I see no reason why that shouldn’t be the case. People online complain about the Monash so much, it must be all the partygoers…

Anyway, I’ve come clean! Visit all these wonderful Melbourne function venues for hire, form your own opinions! I’m so terribly sorry for all my lies. One day I will undo the damage.